I try to keep my posts light hearted and happy.
I try to let people know that I am blessed and grateful.
But, sometimes I am frustrated and defeated.
It happens to us all.
You have no idea how many posts I write and then never publish because I don't want to seem depressing.
Well, this one might slip through today because sometimes -
I like being REAL.
I like people to know that my house, my kids, my life is not perfect.
Don't we all want to know that about each other??
I try to let people know that I am blessed and grateful.
But, sometimes I am frustrated and defeated.
It happens to us all.
You have no idea how many posts I write and then never publish because I don't want to seem depressing.
Well, this one might slip through today because sometimes -
I like being REAL.
I like people to know that my house, my kids, my life is not perfect.
Don't we all want to know that about each other??
This was the last day of school this week.
Christopher did great.
When I went to pick him up today the teacher stopped me and said, "He had some trouble with using scissors today. He could barely hold them. We had to stop and help him. Have you taught him to use scissors?"
I just stared for a minute. "Well, yes I have. He struggles with that."
She says, "Well, that's something you really should be working on with him at home."
I smiled and said I would.
Inside I was screaming.
Cutting with scissors!! CUTTING with scissors!!
Christopher did great.
When I went to pick him up today the teacher stopped me and said, "He had some trouble with using scissors today. He could barely hold them. We had to stop and help him. Have you taught him to use scissors?"
I just stared for a minute. "Well, yes I have. He struggles with that."
She says, "Well, that's something you really should be working on with him at home."
I smiled and said I would.
Inside I was screaming.
Cutting with scissors!! CUTTING with scissors!!
You want to know what we have been WORKING on at home to get him ready for school!
I've been teaching him:
How to not be afraid of the toilet flushing.
How to not be afraid of USING the bathroom.
How to put pants on.
How to HOLD a pencil, let alone write with it.
How to control his emotions when overwhelmed.
How to PLAY with other children.
How to open a car door.
How to say his name correctly.
How to go down a slide.
How to recognize another person's facial expression and what it means.
ETC. ETC. ETC.
I don't blame the teacher. I try to help her understand. I wrote her a letter explaining his issues and I talk to her before and after school. But, it's never enough. I don't blame her at all. She is a nice woman. I don't hate her for saying that. I hate the loneliness that comes along with what she and others say. The feeling that I can never explain how much this boy is going through and that I can't just CHANGE how his brain works. I can't MAKE his brain tell his hand when to put pressure on the scissors to make them work. I am overwhelmed with the things I need to teach him. Not only to be a good person, but how to function as a human being.
While I do try to keep my blog happy and light hearted, there are things that need to be said sometimes. Though I did not choose for my son to have this disorder I can choose how I make his voice and others heard. I feel like it is an obligation that comes along with the autism. This father made an amazing video for his daughter. I really love it. Click here to watch. He helps me feel a little more willing and brave to share my own thoughts on how autism is affecting me.
Please don't think I am a grumpy, bitter person :)
I love my family and my life.
I am blessed beyond words.
But, sometimes I just need to be REAL.
I love my family and my life.
I am blessed beyond words.
But, sometimes I just need to be REAL.
10 comments:
Thank you for this post. I love your sincerity and honesty...
I know you know, but just know (wow) that I understand exactly what you mean by the "loneliness" you describe... so you have AT LEAST one friend who understands. Probably more though... :)
Hang in there. More of those days will come... just keep doing what you're doing. I'll be praying for you.
thanks for sharing. i remember when lucy was tiny and i was struggling with nursing and in so much pain and she wouldn't gain weight some girl commented on how small she was and asked me if i fed her. some times people just have no idea what it's like at home, i just wish they would automatically assume we are doing our best!
You are allowed to be real. It's healthy to be real. Life isn't perfect. It's hard, and unfair, and dirty, and frustrating and lonely. Talking about it is the only way to get through it. Trust me. It's what I do. :) So many people love you, and love Christopher, and I know that I, for one, am so incredibly proud of you. Sending hugs!
I totally feel for you- I have been there. Shai is very clumsy and struggles with tiny objects like pencils & scissors "let her play outside" "let her ride a bike" "let her play with play-doh" "let her color" like I have been keeping her in a box her whole stinking life!!! Seriously!! All the other things you are teaching your son are way more important right now than making sure he cuts a straight line with scissors. The standards they hold kids to like Chris & Shai are ridiculous. They need their own standards and handbooks and need not be compared to suposedly normal kids. He is doing amazing for Christopher and he is doing better with scissors than he did a year ago. He is making progress so that is all that counts!!! Sorry I might have some repressed rage... :)
So glad you are the REAL thing! So glad you are REAL enough to help us all learn with you in this journey. So glad our precious Chris has a REAL mother that loves him, teaches him, and believes in him like only a REAL mother can. Eternally grateful that you are the REAL DEAL. Hope you can always feel my REAL LOVE for you both.
YAY Kristin!! You and your family are not perfect like I thought you were ;)!! I love these posts of yours because you speak the true feelings that I am sure a lot of people are trying to get out there. I am glad Chris did good at school this week, and I just have to say that from a teachers standpoint-she may never really understand. I think I am going to have a totally different perspective on teaching when I go back, because as a teacher you really do not know what is going on in the homes of the children, and you only get a small glimpse of who they really are. And the cry should go out for better preparation for teachers to properly help children with special needs. I took one class in college dealing with disabilities, but that doesn't prepare you for life in a real classroom. with real problems and real issues. It seems like we all need help in dealing with the hard things of life, and good thing we are all here to help each other. So let me know what I can do to help you my strong, brave, amazing, beautiful, patient, and wonderful friend! I sure love you!
Thanks for sharing. I know it's hard sometimes to let our emotions be so raw, so real. However, letting them out is how we grow. I couldn't think of a more accurate word than 'lonely' to describe some parts of life. Even though we are surrounded by loved ones, friends, family, neighbors- it's so easy to feel lonely. blah. What a horrible feeling. You, my dear, are your child's voice and have an amazing job speaking for him. You just keep up the good work, let yourself vent, and know that you are a wonderful mom! ps. We must play soon! pps. Thanks for posting pics of the vinyl. It turned out so cute. I love it. Can I use the pics on my blog?
I love that you real. And happy. I think we do want to see how people really are and what they go through. You are amazing. Good luck.
He has come so far since the last time we saw him!! He is a totally different kid! You are doing an amazing job with him. He is so blessed to have you for a mom, to teach him and be his advocate! Heavenly Father sent him to you because he knew you could do it! Hang in there! We love you and miss you all!
I love real people. This is why we're friends. Pretty sure.
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