Life is hard.
We all know it.
I definitely know it today.
I try hard to put on a happy face and tell people, "Yep, I'm doing fine. I'm fine with the fact that my baby has autism."
Deep down I don't feel fine with it.
Deep down I'm sad and I'm angry.
I'm sad that my boy is afraid of noise. Afraid of a lawnmower across the street. Afraid of the air conditioner. Afraid of a toilet flushing. I'm sad that he gets overwhelmed in a grocery store or at a birthday party. I'm sad that he is confused by other people's emotions and can't express his own. I'm sad that he doesn't even realize what it means when mommy is crying. I'm sad that he is so obsessed with certain things that it interferes with his relationship with his brother. I'm angry that people think I'm a bad mom when my boy has a meltdown. I'm angry at some of the thoughts I have - The thought that maybe I could have done something earlier. That I gave him this. I'm angry that I search my other baby's face everyday for signs. Praying that he won't suffer the same challenges. These past couple months it has felt like this disorder has taken over him and their is not much this mommy can do but search for the right doctor, the right therapies, the right medicine, and pray like a madwoman.
I'm praying that one day I will look back at this post and realize how far we have come.
I have the faith that I will.
Thanks Blog for listening. :)
I try hard to put on a happy face and tell people, "Yep, I'm doing fine. I'm fine with the fact that my baby has autism."
Deep down I don't feel fine with it.
Deep down I'm sad and I'm angry.
I'm sad that my boy is afraid of noise. Afraid of a lawnmower across the street. Afraid of the air conditioner. Afraid of a toilet flushing. I'm sad that he gets overwhelmed in a grocery store or at a birthday party. I'm sad that he is confused by other people's emotions and can't express his own. I'm sad that he doesn't even realize what it means when mommy is crying. I'm sad that he is so obsessed with certain things that it interferes with his relationship with his brother. I'm angry that people think I'm a bad mom when my boy has a meltdown. I'm angry at some of the thoughts I have - The thought that maybe I could have done something earlier. That I gave him this. I'm angry that I search my other baby's face everyday for signs. Praying that he won't suffer the same challenges. These past couple months it has felt like this disorder has taken over him and their is not much this mommy can do but search for the right doctor, the right therapies, the right medicine, and pray like a madwoman.
I'm praying that one day I will look back at this post and realize how far we have come.
I have the faith that I will.
Thanks Blog for listening. :)
9 comments:
I have been thinking of you every single day. I promise I will call you. I've just been waiting for a time when I won't be distracted by something going on here - I just want to talk to you undistract-edly. I miss you and I love you and this is a tough thing to deal with, but time changes everything. It might never be "easy", but with school, therapy, time and someone for Mom (you!) to talk to, it might get "easier". I'm sending happy thoughts your way and will call you soon!!
While, I'm not dealing with a child with autism, I am certainly dealing with a huge challenge that makes me think, "life is so hard!" and I too feel sad and angry and there's nothing I can do. However, I too, like you have faith and hope that some day I'll look back and see how far we've come. Hang in there!!
I sure am amazed at you and know that though it is almost to hard that you are an incredible mom. I hope that you feel the peace you pray for and that it sustains you until you have those moments when you can look back.
Kristin you are in my thoughts.
It is ABSOLUTELY OK AND NECESSARY to feel angry. You still have a beautiful son! but it's hard to adjust expectations and hopes and dreams. There is no book that will tell you exactly what to expect so it's hard. You are entitled to feel. Even it you don't feel happy all the time. It seems with any news that your child will have challenges there has to be a grieving type period because you definately grieve the loss of a "perfect/easy" future for your child. Reality hits and reality is hard. But of all people Kristin you can handle it. YOU ARE AN AMAZING MOTHER AND PERSON! You are doing everything you can to help you son and that is honorable. You are facing the facts and seeking help. You know that pretending it's not true will not help him cope. Being angry is normal and you will look back someday and you won't feel so angry. New trials mat come and the anger may return, but remember it's ok! Kids are strong. Stronger than we give them credit for. Just focus on the small positive steps! :) YOU CAN DO IT!!! I sure love you!
It's strange that after I read your post I was reading in the Book of Mormon in 3rd Nephi 13:4 and it said, "...blessed are all they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." It's okay to be sad and angry and be "mourning," for the new challenges that are coming your way, and the things you wish/wished would have happened for you and your family. I guess when hard times come all we can do is depend on our Savior and look to Him for the comfort that only he can provide. He is the only one who knows exactly what you are going through (not books, or doctors or other people). I hope that you know I am always here for you no matter what, and even more important than me, the Savior is there for you.
I am so impressed with how honest and forthright you are in handling this challenge your family has been given. I think we get the impression sometimes that we should "suck it up" because there is always someone out there that has it worse than we do, but every once in a while I think you need to have a good old-fashioned pity party! Along this road there will be up days and down days, but hang in there. Even though he may not show it, Christopher loves you and will always be grateful for the love you show him.
I think you're doing awesome, and if it makes you feel better, there are many of us mommys out here who are having meltdowns for much easier trials. I think you're doing a great job, your kids are still soo adorable!
Let us know when you want to get together again!
It can't be easy. You can only do your best everyday. And somedays your best may not be as good as other days. I read something James E. Faust said many years ago and I think it every day he said “If you have done your best, which you usually do, your humble offering, whatever it may be, will be acceptable and pleasing to the Lord.” All we can do is our best. Sometimes our best is to take on the world that day and sometimes our best is to get out of our jammies.
You are doing great as a mom. I know it. I've met your wonderful children. They are great and they learned it from you.
Love you Kristin!!
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